Episode 73

What a Dilemma!

Today while I was driving home I met my son and his best friend. They were wandering around the neighbourhood. His friend was the man we had him over at home. He is also someone having a mental disorder! He was the man who had been hospitalised a few times in the past and now left alone even by his family! It was a shattering disappointment once more for me!

I couldnt dare to say anyting even to myself for a few days. He isnt going to get better.

My mom has lost a lot of weight! She is now as light as a small child. I am trying to stand by her by saying white lies to her every other day. ” You are going to get better day by day as long as you take your medicine properly.”

The doctors also lie I know. They always ask for useless x-ray images, tests or try different drugs. It is just to gain time. But for the sake of not losing hope I cannot ask about her real condition, it is obvious though.

As to my son, I have been thinking of ever detail for a long time. I think I am getting at the situation better than the doctors as time goes by.

At the begining I had accused him for not being responsible and for causing lots of trouble.

Later I accepted the reality that his getting better gradually was a big lie I tried to convince myself and faced his still not being in good health?

Then I tried every possibility to see whether I could do something for him and realised that he would never let me do anything related with the medical treatment?

Still I try to listen to him for long hours, because I really cant understand how he can have those weird thoughts in his mind.

Why does he always blame me for being the cause of all the difficulties he faces and his sufferings?

Why does he always complain about the harsh thoughts in his mind and his sufferings?

Why does he always think that he works hard and gets tired although he does nothing all day long? He thinks that even his breathing calls for the greatest effort ever.

I sometimes think that he knows his condition for sure and hates being different from the others, hates having pain in his mind all the time. So, does he think that I am the responsonsible one for this case?

Is it the reason for his demands? He would like me to provide him with the best opportunities for a better life in return for his suffering? Because I am the responsible one! It is to compensate for the trouble I caused in his life! I am the person giving birth to him!

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