I had an appointment with the therapist today. It was one of my regular visits. I had a lot of things to say. It was time to talk:
” First I should apologise to you for arranging the meeting with my son, I should have asked before but it was only an instant decision. Sorry again!”
The psychiatrist said:
“I must say that it was just the case! I had the phone call while I was on the way to somewhere else…etc.”
” I cant make a psychological analysis about your son. It isnt ethical and I didnt have enough time to understand him thoroughly but I can tell you about the impression I got.
He doesnt seem Ok. He may be called somewhat paranoid. He wasnt there on the table, I mean he didnt take part in the conversation but randomly intervened the conversation asking some questions. He was alert as if there would be a threat to himself from the outer world. He cant talk to people properly.”
He, then, asked about me. I said:
” I have a little bit changed. I now ask for help when I am in need of help in the house or help about the grannies” hospital affairs.”
” I can now express a little bit better. If someone bothers me , I can tell or make them feel it.”
“When I see people doing things mess or talking badly towards me, I dont remain silent any more just because they are old or in need of help but I can properly explain if they are wrong.”
I now realise that I didnt used to talk to people but prefer to be silent and think inside making the things greater, and upsetting myself till I forgot the case or suppressed it and recovered from the pain.
During my marriage, too, I had done so. I didnt care about myself but for the sake of others I had tried to handle all the difficulties myself.
I went on to tell the difficulties I had in the period I was married. After I talked the therapist, I asked if I could forget the things?
“You can never do that as this is your own life but with these therapies the pressure will fade away gradually and the bad memories will be suppressed.”
He helped me change my point of view about the bad memories. That I was thinking it was the alcohol made the things worse was not the case, It was the real personality of my husband causing the troubles. And alcohol helped to reveal his personality structure.
So should I be now proud of myself for having been married to a man with some psycological problems for over fifteen years and having handled with all those things?
Now, I promise myself not to think about my past years any more, it is time to look forward!