Episode- 53 Loser…

Loser..

My mum had the operation but it didnt work. Muscle and skeletal pain continues.

As to my son, delusional attacks are now weaker. I still couldnt find a way to shake his delusional, unreal thoughts or ideas about his dad’s being alive and me being as powerful as to have huge amount of wealth.

I sometimes dream about leading a normal and steady life just like the other parents. It is high time I got retired. I really feel tired and exhausted. If only my sons would be more responsible ones. If only the elder one would intend to look for a job and take the burden on my shoulders and the younger one would care more about his school.

I dont know whether I will have a peaceful life one day.

Sometimes, I try to make plans for the future. I never find a way to to take an action. I have always wanted to do what I like, just to take walks around without any thoughts looking around and breathing the fresh air seeing the beauties of nature.

Travelling is my biggest ambition, though. It seems impossible under these circumstances. These simple expectations are out of my reach regretfully.

What shall I do after my parents pass away? Or will I be able to live longer?I am also not in good health. I take some pills for depression to put up with these difficulties.

Today I had to sell my wedding ring not to make ends meet but to give pocket money to the boys with pleasure. Perhaps I did it in order to escape from the memories of the past. It gave me sadness even if I wanted to get rid of it.

I now think that it wasnt fair that I hadnt been aware of beeing married to a man with a personality disorder. He should or his family should warned me about that. When I think of what I had lived during that period couldnt be explained logically. Perhaps I wouldnt have left him, perhaps I would, I am not sure but I could have had the chance of thinking twice while giving important decisions. And I could have been sure about my thoughts, my reactions. I wouldnt have felt guilty at times. I would have been self confident while acting. Perhaps I could have consulted someone professional about what to do.

In those times I sometimes blamed myself not to be able to handle with the problems in marriage, sometimes I thought all these things were the result of his being addicted to alcohol. But now as far as I read the articles, books or other stuff because of my son’s condition, It is obvious that alcoholism and heavy smoking is the result of such kind of personality problems. I wish I had known this before.

It is really regretful feeling as if having been deceived for many years.

While I was thinking of my entire life, my son came an sat beside me as usual. I understood he was again in need of talking about what he had in his mind. I tried to be as clear and decisive as I could.

” Mum tell me the truth!”

He felt my attitude towards him and tried to be more strict this time.

” Tell me where he is. I drive a long way every night to find him but I cant”

” I know you see him, what does he say? I want a better life!”

…and so on.

When I tried to pretend as if not caring what he was talking in order to cut the conversation short, his hands were on my neck! He seemed to be joking!

I said ” You would be the loser! I have nothing left to lose from now on!”

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