Episode-42 The Importance of Awareness

The Importance of Awareness:

Thanks God! Life is getting a little bit quieter. Things seem to be under control. I hope it will improve for the better.

So I have time to think over and over on my whole life. Since I started seeing a doctor for myself, I had the courage to face with myself. ( you know in such kind of cases, the parents suffer more than the patient)

When I look back past I see a life wasted because of futile regrets, tears, self accusations as I hadnt been aware of my husband’s psychological condition. If he had been well, I wouldnt have suffered from the things that not a single woman ever deserves.

I was always feeling inferior because I was always being exposed to abnormal thoughts, blames, suspicions, convictions in an unjustified way by my husband,Our daily life was full of with abnormal things those were totally different from that of an average family. I took them as if being a little bit different because I hadnt been aware of that I had been married a man with a mental disorder for 15 years. 15 years more passed after his death so I have found out the reality after about 30 years. I either related the abnormalities to his addiction of alcohol or to my not being able to understand him better. Let alone the awareness, I had been always looking up to him, respecting his words too much.

He had a black and white personality with an up and down mood. I would have never been sure about the time and how to behave.

I had been controlled like a robot in service of him developing fears but suppressing my own values, feelings, rights… Isnt it too late to realise the fact.

I sometimes think that he and his family might have been aware of his condition but might have kept it back from me and watched me suffer from those futile confusing thoughts, sometimes even from violence. I sometimes even think they couldnt have been so cruel.

Now realising the illness of my son seems to make me feel free from all those bad feelings. If I had known his illness, too., it wouldnt have been so painful. I would probably have felt pity for him and tried to find a way to help him all my life long but It would have been my own choice. I wouldnt have accused of myself or felt insulted for trivial things. I wouldnt have felt like a servant, at least. But perhaps the doctor’s effect made me think over my relationship with my own familiy before and after the marriage. I saw myself serve for the others all the time and take on or loaded with responsibilities while everybody was leading their own life.

My son had tried the same strategies to shape me according to his selfish way of life until I discovered his mental disorder. Now I know he isnt doing this delibaretely. If he were well, I wouldnt suffer from the things I never deserve such as his unshakeable delusions, beliefs. Living  under these conditions is really stressfull and painful but if you know it, it becomes bearable better.

If you arent aware of the fact that it is a disorder It hurts you more and it develops some fears as well.

My son still claims that his dad is still alive and we own great wealth but keep it back from him, we are liars…so on.

But I have more strength to resist all those nonesense things, to react reasonably. I dont always do whatever he likes. No fears anymore. I owe much of my personal improvement to the support of my doctor, of course.

Thanks God nothing worse happens for the time being when I dont do as I am told by him. I think I have learnt how to say ‘No!” to him.

Discovering the realities have made me stronger and I have now been carrying out my own rules. My son lives under the conditions I can provide, but not the ones he wishes to have. I have also got rid of the fears, feelings of despair, regrets…etc.

It is as if breaking the iceberg of a curse on my life going on until now.

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