Waiting for a Miracle:
Today is the last day of the year. While waiting for best wishes for the coming year, I heard the worst words from my dear son.
He wanted to go out as usual and wanted more money to spend but I gave almost the same amount I could afford.
“Dont do this, mum! If you all (his deceased dead, too) go on making me struggle with such a lot of troubles, I will kill you one day.
You all will regret about what you have done to me but I will never forget it and never forgive you. You are all liars. “
He had been pretending to be making a joke but I knew that it was reflecting his inner world.
The poor state of my son’s psychology is demoralizing me worse and worse day by day.
No more words to say but write. This is the answer to why I am writing but not asking for help or talking.
Large tears flooded my face I could hardly suppress the sound of anguish and pity.
I talked to myself silently inside me:
“I did it to myself. There had been certainly one or two turning points to change my fate for positive in my youth but I prefered to go down into the depth of darkness. So it is my own problem now.
Nobody is responsible for the life I am leading. He is my son and nobody has to like him as much as I do.”
I have nothing to do but wait or find the most unbearable time and call the police to take him to the hospital.
May God give the necessary courage and power for me to react so. Otherwise I dont even want to think of how this nightmare will come to an end.
Both ways lead to black.
I have never had such grief before.
Things will not go on like this. The disaster will break out one day. I only try to gain some more time in peace by pretending that everything is in order or bearable but in fact it is not.
He came back home earlier in anger because he hadnt spent his time as he liked. I couldnt have done anything else because If he had more money, it would mean to drink more, to drive carelessly and he would come home with more troubles.
We didnt have even a word. At midnight I wished him a happy year but he replied:
“Damn on my fate!
what the hell is my life! I am suffering from a miserable life!
Am I going to be tortured gradually till I die ?”
I said nothing as I also thought he was truly right. But he was able to do nothing to lead a normal life- work, chores, shopping but act in the way his delusions force him. He was chasing after the delusional image which he thinks it is real.
I couldnt help crying for both of us in bed all night long.
when I woke up the next day, I was sufferring from a terrible painful headache as if there were a fire burning in my brain since I hadnt slept at all with dismay and lots of disturbing thoughts the night before.
For the next days I have only one question:
Do miracles ever come true?