Episode-38 Not a Single Step

Not a Single Step:

You may expect, hope or dream your whole life to improve; however, it goes in its own way as it is offered to you.

I relieve a bit when things go on steadily. In these times I feel as if I myself, exaggerate the problems I face because of my son. I even feel guilty about not being more understanding or not looking more positively towards him. I even believe things will change if I behave in another way that I dont know how to do.

But, again, today I have understood that It is beyond my endurance, tolerance… there is nothing I can do indeed. I shouldnt be feeling guilty, I know.

But this reality doesnt work so long, and I go on suffering desparetely. Because the trouble I have never ends altough I sometimes become hopeful that it will end one day.

My son woke up in the afternoon after a sleepless night as always and had a large breakfast …

The doorbell rang and one of my cousins came to visit us. While we were chatting in the kitchen, my son came and joined us. I became happy, for he did this. He was improving his social interaction, I thought.

Later I understood that he was again in the pursuit of reality.

The reality was his delusion again: he dreams about belonging to a wealthy family and despite this I let him suffer from being broke, difficulties, pain and things like that.

He started questioning my cousin to support his claims, perhaps my cousin was going to say the things my son wanted to hear.

He was still talking about unbelievable things and the most important thing was that during the conversation, he had been addressing my cousin with the name of the insane man about whom I wrote about in the previous episodes.

That was the time, my heart shattered severely again. I felt as if there was something burning inside me.

I realised that he had been keeping it back from us that he was still seeing the man who had also a psychological disorder.

I realised once again that we were still at the same point. We werent able to go further for better even one tiny step.

This has happened to me many times; I feel nothing changes and I know his delusions are getting unshakable day by day. However, I forget everything easily, I dream about his recovery. Although it is so rare but I sometimes find myself in the search expectations or hopes just like an ordinary mother. Then I feel bad as if I dont even have the right to dream about a nice, at least ordinary future with him.

I sometimes wish I werent so forgetful and be hopeful about him or even I wish I didnt love him so much anymore. In that case I wouldnt probably be injured so deeply.

He says I have all the chances, opportunities to give him a better life but I refrain from letting him be happy. This makes me feel totally miserable.

He says if I go on doing the things those he claims to be real, he will be suffering from cancer or else..because he lives under such miserable conditions.

The worst is that he truly believes he is the man to be in the best position, to lead the best and wealthiest life in the society. The only person to give him the opportunities is mum but she doesnt help him.

I feel he really suffers from pain and unbearable thoughts in his brain and feelings in his heart.

The only thing I want from him is to lead a steady daily routine and be at least a little happy with his life. I give him daily money the total of which is more than half of my salary in a month.

He can smoke, drive and go to cafes …

I also pay for the expenses such as his phone bill, the internet and the other things.

He isnt able to understand that I cant do anything better.

He blames me for being a liar, a manipulator, a cruel, treacherious, nasty, wicked woman and so on.

Should I deserve this?

Should a mother deserve this?

Is there anyone on earth to put up with such a dilemma?

I know these are ill thoughts because of his illness- the mental disorder. But I cant describe the pain my heart suffers from . I have brought him up with so much love, affection and devotion.

And I know my love towards him will never change despite the fact that he isnt any more the person I gave birth to. He is totally like an another person or a stranger.

When he speaks with anger and hatred aloud, It is better for me even to die.

The door opened and silently did he come in. He was quiet and angry. Although he had insulted me severely in the afternoon he was like I had behaved him in that way.

He asked me to bring food to his room in an ordering manner.

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