It was her fourth visit when she last went to see the psychiatrist.
She is a kind of person that she doesnt like to speak much about herself in general.
At the psychiatrist’s, during the first appointments she had done in the same way, she had kept most things about herself back unintentionally up to the last time.
“You mostly prefer talking about your son, but remember you come here for yourself. How are the things going on?
So she had to …:
” Not so good! I have always been working for others and trying to make them happy. It is as if it were my duty to please everyone.
During my marriage I had to be patient with the hazardous life my husband offered.
Although I had worked harder than usual to make things better all the time, I couldnt get any further or make anyone happy.
Now, the children do not care what I need, ask for or say.
The only thing they want is to lead a carefree life without doing anything.
The younger one is a student but he never studies. He is addicted to internet.
He has even no time to look at me in the eye. He is always busy with his mobile.
He only speaks to me to ask for food, clothes or money.
The elder one, you know – the one suffering from delusional disorder is with no sympathy, empathy or insight…
In every case the guilty and despised one is me.
Let alone the children but also my parents do so.
“You made it mess. Your marriage was totally wrong.
We are all now suffering due to your wrong choice.
As you couldnt bring up your children well, they do not know their own responsibilities and behave badly. “
Not only do they remind me all the bad memories related with my marriage, but also they always complain about how my children take after their father, especially the elder one.
But I have a friend who is always with me, she listens to me and backs up me all the time. I love her,I am the happiest ever when we are together. “
The doctor got curious when he heard the friend and asked her to repeat as she had lowered her voice (because she was talking about herself)
The doctor asked more about her to reveal her feelings.
She also told the doctor about the blog she had been writing since her first visit to him. It was again one of the things belonging her those kept back from others.
He got very interested in the blog and asked her to repeat it again to make it clear because she had lowered her voice again when talking about herself.
Then from the things
She had told, the doctor concluded:
“First, you are trying to hide yourself even while talking to me now. Do not try to avoid expressing yourself.
Second, you have focused on doing your best and achieving anything you are involved to have the best result.
( She now realises that he wants her to reach a conclusion: “There are failures and things in life you cant change as well.”)
“I am glad to hear your blog because you have started to do something for yourself.
She asked herself:
“How will it help me?” “will it help me see myself as I dont reveal the things about me even to myself,either?”
She realised that he had made her understand that it was something she could hold onto.
The psychiatrist went on speaking:
“But, it is interesting why you are writing as if you were someone else. You are writing in another language not in your mother tounge either.”
The doctor was trying to make her feel her own insight.
” Perhaps it is because I cant even tolerate to confess what I have suffered up to now. Perhaps I try to ignore them as they are so painful and perhaps it will probably be perceived as if I couldnt have managed to put everything in order.”
The doctor nodded and emphasized- perhaps to relieve her:
” you have a friend you like and you have created a special space of your own- the blog- you have things to esteem.”
She herself thought about what the doctor had said:
“The result is being unable to sort out the troubles make me feel depressed.
I shouldnt blame myself for everything.
I cant take the control or responsibility of everything in life.
I, too, deserve to exist in the world.”
She also realised that it was her fourth visit but only this time she could manage to express herself and to reveal her own feelings and that was probably the positive effect of the writing.
She reached a conclusion :
“Try to have people around you who you like to be with and respect yourself, the values you have.
You deserve to respect and esteem yourself.
Try to realise the values you have.
There may be things in life that you cant change.
Do not get afraid of revealing your thoughts, wishes, desires as well.”
But when she read what she had written above, she realised that she still couldnt write all the stuff- the blog with the subject “I” to start the sentences.
“There must be more steps to be headed.”,